masquerade; paper faces on parade

Saturday, August 25, 2007

currently feeling very tired... hahas...

yesterday slept at 530am in the morning and woke up at 1030am in the morning... cause i had to meet one of my friends for lunch... super tired... have not seen her for 4 years.. was kind of afraid that we would have nothing to talk about.. but i was wrong...^^ we chit chat while having lunch.. ate around 1230pm and finish eating at 230pm... the longest time i had taken to eat my lunch... we talk about things and events that had happen for the last few years... and who had we met up...

before we left, she give me a small gift... i was like "oh my god... i did not expect it.. feel kind of paiseh, cos i did not have anything for her..." will get her something... ^^
we promise to meet up again soon... since she still having classes... maybe the next time we meet up will be after her exams... but its ok... i am glad that we meet up... suddenly feel that friends need some effort to keep in touch otherwise it wont last...

its now 342am in the morning... my eyes is going to close soon... super tired... still need to work tomorrow... i still need to help my dad... haha... dont like it, but have to do it..

been thinking alot today... from some incidents, from some conversations... make me wonder somethings.... hate to think in the night, make me couldn't sleep from all the thinking i am having now... arghhh...promise myself not to think, yet i am thinking again... ha... Promise is so easily make, so hard to keep... think this blog is the most normal blog i had blogged for a very long time. i had been blogging emo stuffs for the past few months...

All people want is someone to listen. ---Hugh Elliott

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 3:30 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

someone just told me that i should not avoid the problem.

i should face the problem and try to solve it.

otherwise the problem is still there even though i am not thinking about it.

i know these words that she say is common sense, but they hit me deeply.

i am avoiding the problem.

maybe i am just a coward.

unwilling to solve it, fearing the " what happen next if i face it"

i still need time.

but i promise you this: i wont avoid it all my life, i will face it and solve my problem.

by the way, thank you for breaking the curse. we will break it. ( you know what i mean ^^)

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives. ---William James

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 12:51 AM

Thursday, August 16, 2007

yoz...

it had been a while since i last blog... actually i hate the fact of me blogging since everytime i blog, it is due to the fact that i had been emo-ing or thinking too much.

although i looked alright most of the time, only a few people can see through the mask i had placed on my face and know that i am not alright.

they would either ignore it or ask and try to help in some ways.

however, it is something that i have to face it and settle it by myself.

they could not help me as they do not know what am i feeling and thinking.

i know i am acting like a spoilt brat sometimes, but only i know what i am feeling at that time.

they tend to assume why am i acting that way. but,

people cannot understand how i feel and why am i feeling that way.

i could not understand it myself at times.

i cant seem to stop myself from thinking.

i want to stop thinking, to stop being so emo.

i want to be myself, but it is so difficult after that and many things that had happened.

it is too fast and too deep.

i had to act as though i am alright, to prevent people from worrying.

but sometimes, my mask seem to slip off without me knowing, i have to learn to be a better actress, to put a stronger mask on.

i know this blog may cause some people to assume some things.

its not what you are assuming. so stop it.

its my own problem, my own fear, my own thinking.

can i be my usual self soon? i am losing myself.

fear is something that i have to face on my own, to overcome it. but i am afraid of facing it. --shan

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 4:03 AM

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Avril Lavigne- Keep holding on

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know
I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far awayI wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da daLa da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 4:05 PM

hope i am not bluffing myself....

just feel so sad when i see it...

know they are trying not to make me feel left out when we are out...

but when i know about it...

it just make me feel more left out and extra...

make me feel:

i shouldn't be there....

haha... promise myself not to be so emo le...

but i guess i am just bluffing myself...

trying seem to take alot of energy...

its so difficult to do it...

but i have to:

let go...

learning to accept and to let go, it takes time, tears, energy, life out of me... -- shan

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 2:30 PM

Saturday, August 04, 2007

after talking to some people and reading someone;s blog, i have decided: to accept things as they goes on...

no point mopping and complaining how life is unfair, how i wish things will remain the same...

i should move on...

accept things as they goes...

letting go is also part of life...

accepting things as they goes is also part of life...

i can do it...

the talk and the blog had given me alot of motivation and postive feelings...

hopefully i wont be emo anymore....

\(^_^)/

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. ----Barbara Hall

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 12:47 AM

Friday, August 03, 2007

times really flies... now is the August of 2007... in 4 months time, its 2008 le... hate it when i feel that time is passing so fast and i did not achieve anything at the same time...

i know it maybe confusing for some people, and some people may understand some parts of it... i just feel that if i continue to keep it to myself i will get more n more tired...

due to something that had happen around 2 weeks ago, things just keep changing... to some people is good, to some people is bad... to tell the truth, i dont like the changes happen... i would rather things remain the same... but people keep saying :"things happen for a reason, learn to accept it..." i try and try and try... trying to understand why, trying to accept... what is the reason?? i really want to know what is the reason... why people keep saying things happen for a reason when no one seems to know the reason..

maybe i am just being selfish of wanting things to remain the same... if it did not happen, will it be the same?? maybe not.. but the changes may take a longer time... i can conclude... i am just being plain selfish....

just feel so tired... the time we spend together is getting lesser and lesser... things that i know of you is either from other people, people' blog... its kinda sadden-ing... the promise we made seem to be gone... promise is so easily made and easily broken... guess i was right afterall... some people just seem to destroy the ****** once it was useless... but guess i am fan jian-ing at the same time... i really dont know what else i can do... should i just pretend everything is alright and put a smiling face or just say how i feel and face the consequence of losing something...

sometimes i just feel that i shouldn't be there... i am just wasting my time of being there... i am trying hard to maintain it... but it seem to so difficult and tiring to maintain it alone... i seem to doing it all alone... it started to feel so tiring... i dont know how long i can keep up... (ha... i am crying again...)

some words that someone said may sound like nothing, the very same words may be hurtful to others... he/she may feel that its alright to say it to people including me, thinking that nothing is wrong, but it really hurt my feelings... somethings he/she may do seems to be nothing, but please think of others that maybe around at that time...

everytime i tell myself not to think about it, stop wasting my time...the more i will think about it... i keep telling myself not to care, not to think anymore... i just cant do it... maybe i should just let go... having one thing that is important to me is enough... no use being selfish and wanted more... maybe somethings are meant to be... its always happen to me... letting go... can i do it?

it takes me two hours thinking what should i write.... writing and keep editing it... after writing everything down, i let go a little... maybe what i had written may affect somethings... but i really cant keep it anymore... maybe i should start changing...
read the quote below... dont you agree to what it said?

Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.---Georgia O'Keeffe

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 1:30 AM

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Avril Lavigne When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

<$ who i really am $> ♥ 1:11 AM